My fuck is my head not in the right solar system lately, or is it? At this point its too hard for me to tell if I am right side up or ass backwards from everyone else. I honestly feel like there is a gynormous brick wall staring at me with a little sign just meant for, that says 'Fuck off! Normality is after this point. Your not allowed' well christ...I want to be in that group to ya know!Just now to the point of do I really want that -normal- or is what I've built up for myself so comfortable in sensation and thought, I can't let it go? People always ask me 'what I'm thinking?' well to be honest on a regular day? Alot of crap I shouldn't have too. I am 22 fucking years old and I am still stuck on the stigma that what ever people think about my apperance or how I handle shit will marr my life and mark me as a lepar. I swear a mental hospital would be a heaven sent some days just so I can bounce around in that bloody fucking rubber room. Too let go, and just be what ever it is I want would just top me off.
I just don't know any more....I wish I could say the days that are the worst are few and far between but with this time off that I've had, it seems there more regular. I'm scared. Deeply, honestly I am terrified of what could or will happen in due course. I doubt enough tears would be useful at this point but more of a stain on my cheeks, and a wisp of truth. I have made many friends and less enemies but more lies. Every day a new soul enters my ray of thought I feel an inch of myself burned away; and not a quick fragment of reality, no but a long lasting sting of a hidden feeling. I get a lot of 'Your such a sweety' or 'You are cute' but nothing ever sticks to me. Yes I can be all of those things, but people fail too realize that I truly watch, listen, and observe. Yes, on any day of the week I can be your best bf or gf and never let you down and always offer my shoulder if you need it; but for me?I can only claim my mother, my Ann's and that is it. Those two people right now in my life have so much respect from me that I would be crushed if I ever hurt them. In a crisis or just in a wicked bad mood these wonderful women can make me smile or look at my situation in a whole new light. I can call on others that are my bf's but their life seems to have changed them, from what I knew, too what I do not. And to anyone who is out in internet land that reads my blog and can figure out what this is about or if it is directed toward you, sorry. I do not wish to insult nor cause conflict, this is just how I see it. When will my safety become enough? And when will I fumble upon my relief? How ever clear this could be to some this only reads volumes of pain. I hope one day I'll make it out of this with my soul in realitive tact and my mind not wasted....but for now, this is all, enjoy.
I just don't know any more....I wish I could say the days that are the worst are few and far between but with this time off that I've had, it seems there more regular. I'm scared. Deeply, honestly I am terrified of what could or will happen in due course. I doubt enough tears would be useful at this point but more of a stain on my cheeks, and a wisp of truth. I have made many friends and less enemies but more lies. Every day a new soul enters my ray of thought I feel an inch of myself burned away; and not a quick fragment of reality, no but a long lasting sting of a hidden feeling. I get a lot of 'Your such a sweety' or 'You are cute' but nothing ever sticks to me. Yes I can be all of those things, but people fail too realize that I truly watch, listen, and observe. Yes, on any day of the week I can be your best bf or gf and never let you down and always offer my shoulder if you need it; but for me?I can only claim my mother, my Ann's and that is it. Those two people right now in my life have so much respect from me that I would be crushed if I ever hurt them. In a crisis or just in a wicked bad mood these wonderful women can make me smile or look at my situation in a whole new light. I can call on others that are my bf's but their life seems to have changed them, from what I knew, too what I do not. And to anyone who is out in internet land that reads my blog and can figure out what this is about or if it is directed toward you, sorry. I do not wish to insult nor cause conflict, this is just how I see it. When will my safety become enough? And when will I fumble upon my relief? How ever clear this could be to some this only reads volumes of pain. I hope one day I'll make it out of this with my soul in realitive tact and my mind not wasted....but for now, this is all, enjoy.
