Figures....

Fade in, Fade out, Fade in, Fade out. Patterns. I can't seem to place why I associate this blogs topic with such a systematic pattern, but I do. I am hardly able to help myself when I go through the mental list of well, my list of daily duals, and inner battles. Down right surprised would be a good guess on most reactions I give myself or what occurs after. Strange how one so deeply engrossed with his own personal issues that I can be so crystal clear in thought about others. Pegging them out one by one of the type who have gotten a stamp on my memory bank that will not let me, forget or fade them out; they are there, for life. I even would assume once I wear my body out they'll be there lurking still, but in a good lurking sort of way.
The duality of my situation had it been more diluted vodka could be made from it, and not that high class shit, but that low quality you associate with plastic bottles and cheap hotel rooms. Wishing this topic to be of something else wouldn't do it justice, no no...It has to be this. Friends.
I can not count on my hands the many of time they have all come to my side and gave me that solid foundation I needed, and how many times I repaid, and repaid them. I love all of them so much I doubt in my tiny little heart that any of them would ever be loved less. Profoundly each has touched me in many ways that each, memory is so unique if not foggy about it. What I wish for is the clarity I seek. Are all of us meant to just drift or are we perpetually set in a self resuscitating cycle of hopes. Truthfully I know all of us may not wish to consider it, but how often can we say that we are all so close with our friends that, well nothing is hidden? Hmm? Exactly. A drift always comes it's this way, either by dusty sand dunes or beautifully glistened snow hills, its there.
To steal some thoughts from a co-worker... later on we are all perfectly faulted in our own ways and because of such faults we seek what we need to keep ourselves glued so to speak. Because I love all the people in my life I can assure myself that each day I walk out my door that what ever adventure happens upon me, that in the end I still have my network of love. But this is where my co-workers thought comes into play. Us as humans do we seek the company of others just to fill that certain void which we feel as loneliness and use that for our own personal gains or are we truly as a species in need of all of this.
Answers can only be dawned by more answers, and frankly to discuss that more only brings up more paths that we all can follow or find for ourselves and dig deeper and discover it..but really that isn't why your still reading. Your reading because you saw that drifting comment which we all have linger in our heads at times. True friends are the ones who regardless of all the cheesy sayings won't leave you when you need them..but drift when your not paying attention. Part of my own undoing and thoughts about it, I'm just as guilty as the next for it. Focusing on the day to day and possible occupations to take time and remember those people who have seen you at your worst, your best and all those in-between. The ones who've encouraged your stupidity and dutifully corrected your morals. Regardless of our species and how we seek to fill our lives I think the most simplest of notions is still ignored.
We all need a reboot to realize it and fuck it may be a while, but start it now. Because even for those who have filled that gap with a second person to their being, what about those who well had you covered before? Drifting...
Fade in, Fade out, Fade in, Fade out....

Fuuuuccckkk Candy Mountain.

So if this is what is supposed to be candy mountain of the better locations for me, then well fuck. I can not express how much I deeply hate small cities or any varieties of that thing. I am so deeply rooted in the belief now that I either need to move away after my year of leasing my apartment is over or just run away. Only the big kid form; with still bill payments, and moving issues, among other things. Believe it or not from personal dealings with me, but I swear to any comic powers that may be if one more brain dead fucking nit wit makes the passing comment of 'Omg dude what the fuck was that?' or 'Faggot' or as many others you can think of. I have also heard 'disgusting' which I thought was a pretty nifty level of crappy people have seemed to reach all on they're own.
And in all seriousness if I hear any of those words again I will either hit the person over the head repeatedly with a heavy object until they become a vegetable or a mental ill person; that or quite my job and hide in my room. I may not leave it ever again, I may just stay in it, and rock myself into a state of pure insanity. You think with my years of dealing with the crap I would have just learned by now to stick up for myself and say something or at least deal with it better...but no. If anything my sureness of making others pay for it becomes more valid every day. Or is it my sureness in me becoming a held up apartment lurker that needs to be hauled out in a straight jacket.
All this coupled with my own possible gender issues it all compiles into a huge heaping wad of ultra crap. The best of the best really. What I for see around the corner is who I am dying and being replaced with what society has figured I should be. Sad as that image is, it seems to be the easiest answer I can find right now...
Fox out.

ps forgot to mention how much I hate people.

Bleeding out my insanity.

My fuck is my head not in the right solar system lately, or is it? At this point its too hard for me to tell if I am right side up or ass backwards from everyone else. I honestly feel like there is a gynormous brick wall staring at me with a little sign just meant for, that says 'Fuck off! Normality is after this point. Your not allowed' well christ...I want to be in that group to ya know!Just now to the point of do I really want that -normal- or is what I've built up for myself so comfortable in sensation and thought, I can't let it go? People always ask me 'what I'm thinking?' well to be honest on a regular day? Alot of crap I shouldn't have too. I am 22 fucking years old and I am still stuck on the stigma that what ever people think about my apperance or how I handle shit will marr my life and mark me as a lepar. I swear a mental hospital would be a heaven sent some days just so I can bounce around in that bloody fucking rubber room. Too let go, and just be what ever it is I want would just top me off.
I just don't know any more....I wish I could say the days that are the worst are few and far between but with this time off that I've had, it seems there more regular. I'm scared. Deeply, honestly I am terrified of what could or will happen in due course. I doubt enough tears would be useful at this point but more of a stain on my cheeks, and a wisp of truth. I have made many friends and less enemies but more lies. Every day a new soul enters my ray of thought I feel an inch of myself burned away; and not a quick fragment of reality, no but a long lasting sting of a hidden feeling. I get a lot of 'Your such a sweety' or 'You are cute' but nothing ever sticks to me. Yes I can be all of those things, but people fail too realize that I truly watch, listen, and observe. Yes, on any day of the week I can be your best bf or gf and never let you down and always offer my shoulder if you need it; but for me?I can only claim my mother, my Ann's and that is it. Those two people right now in my life have so much respect from me that I would be crushed if I ever hurt them. In a crisis or just in a wicked bad mood these wonderful women can make me smile or look at my situation in a whole new light. I can call on others that are my bf's but their life seems to have changed them, from what I knew, too what I do not. And to anyone who is out in internet land that reads my blog and can figure out what this is about or if it is directed toward you, sorry. I do not wish to insult nor cause conflict, this is just how I see it. When will my safety become enough? And when will I fumble upon my relief? How ever clear this could be to some this only reads volumes of pain. I hope one day I'll make it out of this with my soul in realitive tact and my mind not wasted....but for now, this is all, enjoy.