Fond Acidic Happiness

Soo, blogging. I am fiercely fighting my urge to stop this and just crash on my whore of a bed, which I love so deeply from the bottom of my heart. Supposedly this business is good for the soul, so lets see if I can buff mine up again.

My acidic happiness is that chaotic mess we all sometimes cross upon in our life, that little nagging feeling in the back of your head that life is going to well, almost just expecting that bad to come from no where and tackle you. My life is just zooming by so much that I really do believe that I haven't quite had the time to enjoy those talked about roses. Pushing through the dullness of what I do, I got a promotion at work. So going from working all the time and having no life, I've upped that to a whole new level. Who'd a thunk I would become a manager of anything? I guess it happened around me without my really know what I was getting into. The job is just so, encompassing of absolutely everything my mind can give it; and trust me when I say this my mind is about tapped out!

Visibly people can't really notice how much is truly going on in my little head and I suspect its best that way. Past work my transitioning has been going at such a pace that I really have no rights to complain. I finally climbed the hurdle of coming out to my parents and sister, and my wow can I say that it has to be the best sensation; if there could be an addiction to coming out, I'd be fully tapped into that sensation. Like set that IV up and let's get this rocking. Though what makes me smirk is know that most everyone 110% behind me have not said once this has completely shocked them. Like really? Am I just that much of an open book to some? I swear I am going to need jedi training to stop that! The medication is fun, it hasn't caused anything super interesting but there are certainly those little differences that count the most. Having a perpetual happiness? Yes! that is just so much pure awesome that I can't feel down for long about anything. Things for once seem to just fall into place, a placing that I really don't feel that need to correct or correctly place set them.

Clothes, waxing, dropping, running, sweating, stressing love. Bring up the next one, lets get it going. Life you win, but I win harder. You tossed me a orchard of lemons some times and I've juiced most of those buggers! You said get healthier? I'm driving on through that challenge. You've expected me to conform to the norm and I have blasted past what has been expected of me. I may have set myself lofty goals that may happen or may not, but for once I am excited too see how bumps and bruises I get in the process.

Life is just becoming a chemical upgrade I guess I could call it, money to change what I wish to be and enjoying it. I just wish what I am doing was easier on all my loved ones; I wish I could take their worries, their fears and just get rid of them. My life has never and never will be something that can be said is safe, nor does it represent something hair raising dangerous. But it is how I chose to live my life that is making it dangerous. The choice for my personal freedom and growth is what will cause me the most pain and most growth, and I just wish people to grow along in that fear with me. Yes my finally changes are big medically and they will test the bounds of my body, and yes it will be quite a learning curve. I just cannot feel fear for it, I can only press that glassed in feature with all my love and joy.

To all of you out their that get my vague ramblings about what I am doing, especially those who are going through the same process remember this. People may judge and you could get hurt. But the best inner strength you can come upon is the knowledge that you are bigger and far better then that. You courage, your beauty are something to admire and to openly show people. Never ever let you spirit dull for anyone. Always allow it that room, that freedom to shine and blind those who can't stand with that same courage to face the world. You are beautiful, and awesome for what your doing.

Muah!

La Life!

I do apologetically offer up any sort of explanation to my absence for this long hiatus. Buuut really that wouldn't be as fun as just letting you all assume I did some things, ended up in a random ditch, and maybe along the way sprung a leak! However the hiatus will hopefully be over soon and I shall slip back into my writing, for now I do spread my apologies far and wide for the little blip of readers I may or may not have. On a similar note I shall be changing the url for my blog, so just tag me a comment so I know your interested in the updated info. Life is fast and hard, and its bruising/buffing me for something magical. My usually reliable flow of inspiration has just hit a bump but hopefully in the right moment it will strike a cord with me once more. Other than that, love lots, love hard, love ever. I wish you all a wonderful what ever your doing, and many interesting adventures.

Muah!

Star light

Star light, star light, will we see your shimmer tonight? I wish I may, I wish I might, may I place my hopes on you tonight? To see me through, and guide me long, will you traverse my dreams with me? Send me soaring over the seas or maybe take me deep into jungles green? Long lost lovers meet, with souls a flare, and sights a dim, carry me through and see me there. Fancy my dreams, glower my thoughts, blare my wishes, and drown my hopes, take me on a journey of fancy ways...treat me to your favourite tea.

Fill me cup of half full wills, and quota my status, and surrender my wills. Let me fly while clip my wings, star light star bright, will you treat me tonight? Take me to a place, far away, deep in my mind were fears can't breath. Lower my walls and build my strength, show me a path, less be traveled. Cup me tears and drink my sorrows, bleed my heart and bring it life, fill my body to the brim of height; trap me well and let me flee, coup my leaves and plant my trees. Root me long, and prune me deep, star light will you let me lay tonight?

Star light, star bright I see your shimmer tonight. I wish it well, and drown you deep, my pillows weep of dreams so deep. I carry you well, and keep you safe; my dreams are your home, and my wills are your fill. Let's dream a merry sort, and drink to well nights rote. Our sights delve us deep our souls fly us high, will we come out a live? Drift a night well sleep sought, star bright I seek you not. Leave me be, drive away, let your shimmer fade fine way; weave me a silk of peaceful dreams, and let me be. Star light, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might, you silver ways leave me be...for this night I shield from thee.

Beauty

Break me open with eyes so hungry and a soul so deep my eyes get lost in your complexity. Peal back my layers and fight past the bitter layers of my onion exterior to open the bountiful wells of my icy waters.
Pour against me like my everything and my nothing at once; make me need you and hate you like the air I breathe and the snow I hate. Show me the light and blind me with the joy we can share, make me quiver from you tenderness. Allow me those exploring touches against you so curves and dips.....delve into my wandering mind and focus it on you.
Share my pain, quell my hunger and drive my spirit beyond the bounds I tied it with. Limit my depth buy deepen my shallowness. Give me what I crave; beauty. Love me for my me and despise me for how I can be, but never leave in my darkest hours as I will stand your guard. Let's us destroy the world but make our own utopia; help me help us and tear down the walls I built so weak.

Beauty is as pure as our first thought and as fleeting as our darkest. Make the first step and see past the sharp layers of the first beauty and search the whitest source of calm. Ensure the world is a beautiful place by helping the ones you scoff so quickly.

For a soul has the power to save one
or millions but how many can be granted the gift of life if three or four join? Global is a luxury we can not afford if we can't look inside and solve the inner issues before the outside. Fix the fixable and build the indestructible. We can do it; let's build a better place that will encourage us all and open all the doors.

Figures....

Fade in, Fade out, Fade in, Fade out. Patterns. I can't seem to place why I associate this blogs topic with such a systematic pattern, but I do. I am hardly able to help myself when I go through the mental list of well, my list of daily duals, and inner battles. Down right surprised would be a good guess on most reactions I give myself or what occurs after. Strange how one so deeply engrossed with his own personal issues that I can be so crystal clear in thought about others. Pegging them out one by one of the type who have gotten a stamp on my memory bank that will not let me, forget or fade them out; they are there, for life. I even would assume once I wear my body out they'll be there lurking still, but in a good lurking sort of way.
The duality of my situation had it been more diluted vodka could be made from it, and not that high class shit, but that low quality you associate with plastic bottles and cheap hotel rooms. Wishing this topic to be of something else wouldn't do it justice, no no...It has to be this. Friends.
I can not count on my hands the many of time they have all come to my side and gave me that solid foundation I needed, and how many times I repaid, and repaid them. I love all of them so much I doubt in my tiny little heart that any of them would ever be loved less. Profoundly each has touched me in many ways that each, memory is so unique if not foggy about it. What I wish for is the clarity I seek. Are all of us meant to just drift or are we perpetually set in a self resuscitating cycle of hopes. Truthfully I know all of us may not wish to consider it, but how often can we say that we are all so close with our friends that, well nothing is hidden? Hmm? Exactly. A drift always comes it's this way, either by dusty sand dunes or beautifully glistened snow hills, its there.
To steal some thoughts from a co-worker... later on we are all perfectly faulted in our own ways and because of such faults we seek what we need to keep ourselves glued so to speak. Because I love all the people in my life I can assure myself that each day I walk out my door that what ever adventure happens upon me, that in the end I still have my network of love. But this is where my co-workers thought comes into play. Us as humans do we seek the company of others just to fill that certain void which we feel as loneliness and use that for our own personal gains or are we truly as a species in need of all of this.
Answers can only be dawned by more answers, and frankly to discuss that more only brings up more paths that we all can follow or find for ourselves and dig deeper and discover it..but really that isn't why your still reading. Your reading because you saw that drifting comment which we all have linger in our heads at times. True friends are the ones who regardless of all the cheesy sayings won't leave you when you need them..but drift when your not paying attention. Part of my own undoing and thoughts about it, I'm just as guilty as the next for it. Focusing on the day to day and possible occupations to take time and remember those people who have seen you at your worst, your best and all those in-between. The ones who've encouraged your stupidity and dutifully corrected your morals. Regardless of our species and how we seek to fill our lives I think the most simplest of notions is still ignored.
We all need a reboot to realize it and fuck it may be a while, but start it now. Because even for those who have filled that gap with a second person to their being, what about those who well had you covered before? Drifting...
Fade in, Fade out, Fade in, Fade out....

Fuuuuccckkk Candy Mountain.

So if this is what is supposed to be candy mountain of the better locations for me, then well fuck. I can not express how much I deeply hate small cities or any varieties of that thing. I am so deeply rooted in the belief now that I either need to move away after my year of leasing my apartment is over or just run away. Only the big kid form; with still bill payments, and moving issues, among other things. Believe it or not from personal dealings with me, but I swear to any comic powers that may be if one more brain dead fucking nit wit makes the passing comment of 'Omg dude what the fuck was that?' or 'Faggot' or as many others you can think of. I have also heard 'disgusting' which I thought was a pretty nifty level of crappy people have seemed to reach all on they're own.
And in all seriousness if I hear any of those words again I will either hit the person over the head repeatedly with a heavy object until they become a vegetable or a mental ill person; that or quite my job and hide in my room. I may not leave it ever again, I may just stay in it, and rock myself into a state of pure insanity. You think with my years of dealing with the crap I would have just learned by now to stick up for myself and say something or at least deal with it better...but no. If anything my sureness of making others pay for it becomes more valid every day. Or is it my sureness in me becoming a held up apartment lurker that needs to be hauled out in a straight jacket.
All this coupled with my own possible gender issues it all compiles into a huge heaping wad of ultra crap. The best of the best really. What I for see around the corner is who I am dying and being replaced with what society has figured I should be. Sad as that image is, it seems to be the easiest answer I can find right now...
Fox out.

ps forgot to mention how much I hate people.