To This Day Project - Shane Koyczan

Starless Sight.

Caught breath upon hallowed shoulder, steeped in widowed tips. Thoughts of sun basked lips, while moon lit minds dance of the heart. Faded between shallow breaths these intertwined hallows draw deeper, and deeper between those inked lines these minds travel. Lipped are the breathless eyes of calloused hands but so deep thing dreams fly. Draw deeper do these hidden breaths we share. Unraveled is our state, yet deep these borders lay. Counted is the heated step of what was and common place those moon lit minds swim. Where shall these paths meet their paths ever neat. Beneath the vines of suns time were life is fine, and shoulders are no longer hallow.  

The Unwanted

Stained cheeks of pestilence strained heart, whenever shall she learn. Not now not never, she shall always be the same.  Dredged in the weighty thoughts of minds own course and wills own bland verbose, when shall she ever learn?

To take the cheeks of loved ones on her breast and welcome in that warmth, to stay near and not far from what she cares. When shall she learn? Tears staining paths of what was laid before however shall they learn to fall on accord? That path determined by so far fallen, when shall she ever learn?

Break the enchantment her mind wails, beat the control her will fails, when shall she ever learn? Too bite her lip and draw the flesh, to break the walls and move past the wept, how will she ever learn? Press forward young girl, brandish your smile and warm your heart, break the trance and melt the funk…work your magic and still your soul. 

Sun washed hopes and tanned cheeks of old, when will their skin hold. From now till then? Or will they fold. Render the mold and cast its gold, sheet its wanders and confront its cold; break the cold and snap the old. Lest we forgot the one who’s never learned, lest we allow our minds to forgive.

Break the mold and shower the old.

Awkward Beautiful

The skin  upon my flesh, fits oh so tight, oh so right. The kiss of my skin supple and sweet, or so right. It fits like a dream, but it feels so wrong. Build it up break it down, ruin that perfection you seek" make it harder and rougher. Your soul traded long ago for the insecurities life offers with success induced coma's. Blindly close your eyes to stumble and break through the ticking time bomb you know you are. Flesh too kiss, flesh to pieces make it happen, take that tight skin and wreck it. Pull it apart and reassign so that your too perfect mind rests at piece. What will it take?A new hunk of flesh for the old? Or a deal one not so bold would quiver in sight of it. All that I ask is for a change a correction; to ease this feeling of bland hate. To breed new vibrant skin upon thy flesh and to break the dangerous mold stuck like glue. Who knew?

(This should be where I offer some sort of authors thoughts on this poem, or at least some direction I was thinking while writing it. But I myself haven't even come across the meaning yet, or maybe I have and just wish it to be gone. Either way, hope you all enjoy)

Breast upon Flesh

Your breath tickles across my check and my tongue dances back atop your ear while my body presses loosely to you. Like a crossed lover stuck between the habits of bringing herself closer to that pressure, that warmth, that controlled comfort; and taking herself away from it to toy across that line more. Dancing the line like it were her being, her home, her place of comfort and truth; but you know better? Tickling her senses and never for a moment allowing her body to be anything less then your temple, your play ground that span of flesh that is all yours. You pull apart her walls and break through her tempered creation and tug out the deepest needs of her thoughts, and then and only then do you use them. So completely and so fully that she's left stranded in this sea, a sea so oddly full of turmoil and waves that one would never dare sail upon them. But for you? A calm glacier cool surface that bends and wills to your form, your will. How do you do it? Eyes, soulful eyes burn pure and full fill that need, her need that brings two bodies tight to one another. Of all of this inner loving turmoil   one thing is for certain, you can tame even the deepest of her passions, her lusts, and her desires. 

Omg exciting!!!!

Hey all! I finally got off my lazy ass and did a vlog!!! Eeeee! Talking instead of typing who knew how much I'd enjoy it more than actually having to make my writing make sense. So here is the link.-----------------> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfmOqfjKN0o <----------------that's it right thur. Yeah supa awesome! So go watch, rate, comment, pass it along. Send me messages give me feed back, all that sort of wicked awesome jazz. I can only start to gain new idea's from any feedback you people give me.

Love lots and love hard
Charlie

Blindly Faithful

This may not be as big nor as bold as my return post, but hopefully it will be as equally interesting as anything else I have posted.

Phases, life is full of them, whether they take years to fully envelop your life or just a couple of days we have all hit them. I can happily safe phase 2 of my changing myself has started, and well I can not express the sheer joy I feel about and the nervousness I can't seem to shake. Turning back is a luxury that is best afforded to people who have the time to do so, if given no time this luxury is just but a fond thought of control. Dismissing such a little trigger as 'turning back' gives a person both power and the art of a new form of control; a control much more real and deeply more satisfying. That tang of reality snapping back into your warming grasp is something soothingly cold. I find that 'turning back' a sensation of a cold wind hitting your face; oddly refreshing but devastating to all senses that dislike that cold.

Now that I have that cool wind bashing against my face more steadily then regularity in an old person's routine I can surely stand proud and realize that my life is something of a dream. Yes scary could be a great word to describe it, but that fear is oooooh so addictive.

And this would be the extra little part I facebooked about! Something I don't normally do, mostly because not a lot of people read my blog, but I hope the few that do, pass the word and keep it rotating. Signing petitions is something kinda fun for me lately, since I have started signing a few more coming way than normal, and this one in particular well it strikes a very unique and close cord for me. Equality is something so terribly basic yet most of us never ever witness it in its purity. Gays, lesbians, Transgenders, Transvestites, and everything in between suffer with this daily and regularly. Gay's in all forms, and genders are breaking bounds daily but it is those in between groups that are still suffering. As standing proud and part of the trans community I can say its deadly scary knowing that the simple protection that most people receive, could be wave because of my gender identification.

There is a bill circulating to help those simple rights be enforced for my community and make them safer in all respects, against hate crimes and the like. I sadly can say I missed the start of said bill but I'll be damned sure to help the end of it. I have personally sent a message to our MLA Ron Canon and I feel any of my friends should do the same, expressing their opinion on this. And my friends across Canada need to be doing this as well; this is something that needs to over flow the boxes of local politicians to make them see it. They need to realize their voters expect them to do something and support what they feel needs backing. I will link the petition sight in my blog and I hope you all do this tiny favor for me and help this bill succeed.

Muah

http://petition.web.net/psac/node/47

Fond Acidic Happiness

Soo, blogging. I am fiercely fighting my urge to stop this and just crash on my whore of a bed, which I love so deeply from the bottom of my heart. Supposedly this business is good for the soul, so lets see if I can buff mine up again.

My acidic happiness is that chaotic mess we all sometimes cross upon in our life, that little nagging feeling in the back of your head that life is going to well, almost just expecting that bad to come from no where and tackle you. My life is just zooming by so much that I really do believe that I haven't quite had the time to enjoy those talked about roses. Pushing through the dullness of what I do, I got a promotion at work. So going from working all the time and having no life, I've upped that to a whole new level. Who'd a thunk I would become a manager of anything? I guess it happened around me without my really know what I was getting into. The job is just so, encompassing of absolutely everything my mind can give it; and trust me when I say this my mind is about tapped out!

Visibly people can't really notice how much is truly going on in my little head and I suspect its best that way. Past work my transitioning has been going at such a pace that I really have no rights to complain. I finally climbed the hurdle of coming out to my parents and sister, and my wow can I say that it has to be the best sensation; if there could be an addiction to coming out, I'd be fully tapped into that sensation. Like set that IV up and let's get this rocking. Though what makes me smirk is know that most everyone 110% behind me have not said once this has completely shocked them. Like really? Am I just that much of an open book to some? I swear I am going to need jedi training to stop that! The medication is fun, it hasn't caused anything super interesting but there are certainly those little differences that count the most. Having a perpetual happiness? Yes! that is just so much pure awesome that I can't feel down for long about anything. Things for once seem to just fall into place, a placing that I really don't feel that need to correct or correctly place set them.

Clothes, waxing, dropping, running, sweating, stressing love. Bring up the next one, lets get it going. Life you win, but I win harder. You tossed me a orchard of lemons some times and I've juiced most of those buggers! You said get healthier? I'm driving on through that challenge. You've expected me to conform to the norm and I have blasted past what has been expected of me. I may have set myself lofty goals that may happen or may not, but for once I am excited too see how bumps and bruises I get in the process.

Life is just becoming a chemical upgrade I guess I could call it, money to change what I wish to be and enjoying it. I just wish what I am doing was easier on all my loved ones; I wish I could take their worries, their fears and just get rid of them. My life has never and never will be something that can be said is safe, nor does it represent something hair raising dangerous. But it is how I chose to live my life that is making it dangerous. The choice for my personal freedom and growth is what will cause me the most pain and most growth, and I just wish people to grow along in that fear with me. Yes my finally changes are big medically and they will test the bounds of my body, and yes it will be quite a learning curve. I just cannot feel fear for it, I can only press that glassed in feature with all my love and joy.

To all of you out their that get my vague ramblings about what I am doing, especially those who are going through the same process remember this. People may judge and you could get hurt. But the best inner strength you can come upon is the knowledge that you are bigger and far better then that. You courage, your beauty are something to admire and to openly show people. Never ever let you spirit dull for anyone. Always allow it that room, that freedom to shine and blind those who can't stand with that same courage to face the world. You are beautiful, and awesome for what your doing.

Muah!

La Life!

I do apologetically offer up any sort of explanation to my absence for this long hiatus. Buuut really that wouldn't be as fun as just letting you all assume I did some things, ended up in a random ditch, and maybe along the way sprung a leak! However the hiatus will hopefully be over soon and I shall slip back into my writing, for now I do spread my apologies far and wide for the little blip of readers I may or may not have. On a similar note I shall be changing the url for my blog, so just tag me a comment so I know your interested in the updated info. Life is fast and hard, and its bruising/buffing me for something magical. My usually reliable flow of inspiration has just hit a bump but hopefully in the right moment it will strike a cord with me once more. Other than that, love lots, love hard, love ever. I wish you all a wonderful what ever your doing, and many interesting adventures.

Muah!

Star light

Star light, star light, will we see your shimmer tonight? I wish I may, I wish I might, may I place my hopes on you tonight? To see me through, and guide me long, will you traverse my dreams with me? Send me soaring over the seas or maybe take me deep into jungles green? Long lost lovers meet, with souls a flare, and sights a dim, carry me through and see me there. Fancy my dreams, glower my thoughts, blare my wishes, and drown my hopes, take me on a journey of fancy ways...treat me to your favourite tea.

Fill me cup of half full wills, and quota my status, and surrender my wills. Let me fly while clip my wings, star light star bright, will you treat me tonight? Take me to a place, far away, deep in my mind were fears can't breath. Lower my walls and build my strength, show me a path, less be traveled. Cup me tears and drink my sorrows, bleed my heart and bring it life, fill my body to the brim of height; trap me well and let me flee, coup my leaves and plant my trees. Root me long, and prune me deep, star light will you let me lay tonight?

Star light, star bright I see your shimmer tonight. I wish it well, and drown you deep, my pillows weep of dreams so deep. I carry you well, and keep you safe; my dreams are your home, and my wills are your fill. Let's dream a merry sort, and drink to well nights rote. Our sights delve us deep our souls fly us high, will we come out a live? Drift a night well sleep sought, star bright I seek you not. Leave me be, drive away, let your shimmer fade fine way; weave me a silk of peaceful dreams, and let me be. Star light, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might, you silver ways leave me be...for this night I shield from thee.

Beauty

Break me open with eyes so hungry and a soul so deep my eyes get lost in your complexity. Peal back my layers and fight past the bitter layers of my onion exterior to open the bountiful wells of my icy waters.
Pour against me like my everything and my nothing at once; make me need you and hate you like the air I breathe and the snow I hate. Show me the light and blind me with the joy we can share, make me quiver from you tenderness. Allow me those exploring touches against you so curves and dips.....delve into my wandering mind and focus it on you.
Share my pain, quell my hunger and drive my spirit beyond the bounds I tied it with. Limit my depth buy deepen my shallowness. Give me what I crave; beauty. Love me for my me and despise me for how I can be, but never leave in my darkest hours as I will stand your guard. Let's us destroy the world but make our own utopia; help me help us and tear down the walls I built so weak.

Beauty is as pure as our first thought and as fleeting as our darkest. Make the first step and see past the sharp layers of the first beauty and search the whitest source of calm. Ensure the world is a beautiful place by helping the ones you scoff so quickly.

For a soul has the power to save one
or millions but how many can be granted the gift of life if three or four join? Global is a luxury we can not afford if we can't look inside and solve the inner issues before the outside. Fix the fixable and build the indestructible. We can do it; let's build a better place that will encourage us all and open all the doors.

Figures....

Fade in, Fade out, Fade in, Fade out. Patterns. I can't seem to place why I associate this blogs topic with such a systematic pattern, but I do. I am hardly able to help myself when I go through the mental list of well, my list of daily duals, and inner battles. Down right surprised would be a good guess on most reactions I give myself or what occurs after. Strange how one so deeply engrossed with his own personal issues that I can be so crystal clear in thought about others. Pegging them out one by one of the type who have gotten a stamp on my memory bank that will not let me, forget or fade them out; they are there, for life. I even would assume once I wear my body out they'll be there lurking still, but in a good lurking sort of way.
The duality of my situation had it been more diluted vodka could be made from it, and not that high class shit, but that low quality you associate with plastic bottles and cheap hotel rooms. Wishing this topic to be of something else wouldn't do it justice, no no...It has to be this. Friends.
I can not count on my hands the many of time they have all come to my side and gave me that solid foundation I needed, and how many times I repaid, and repaid them. I love all of them so much I doubt in my tiny little heart that any of them would ever be loved less. Profoundly each has touched me in many ways that each, memory is so unique if not foggy about it. What I wish for is the clarity I seek. Are all of us meant to just drift or are we perpetually set in a self resuscitating cycle of hopes. Truthfully I know all of us may not wish to consider it, but how often can we say that we are all so close with our friends that, well nothing is hidden? Hmm? Exactly. A drift always comes it's this way, either by dusty sand dunes or beautifully glistened snow hills, its there.
To steal some thoughts from a co-worker... later on we are all perfectly faulted in our own ways and because of such faults we seek what we need to keep ourselves glued so to speak. Because I love all the people in my life I can assure myself that each day I walk out my door that what ever adventure happens upon me, that in the end I still have my network of love. But this is where my co-workers thought comes into play. Us as humans do we seek the company of others just to fill that certain void which we feel as loneliness and use that for our own personal gains or are we truly as a species in need of all of this.
Answers can only be dawned by more answers, and frankly to discuss that more only brings up more paths that we all can follow or find for ourselves and dig deeper and discover it..but really that isn't why your still reading. Your reading because you saw that drifting comment which we all have linger in our heads at times. True friends are the ones who regardless of all the cheesy sayings won't leave you when you need them..but drift when your not paying attention. Part of my own undoing and thoughts about it, I'm just as guilty as the next for it. Focusing on the day to day and possible occupations to take time and remember those people who have seen you at your worst, your best and all those in-between. The ones who've encouraged your stupidity and dutifully corrected your morals. Regardless of our species and how we seek to fill our lives I think the most simplest of notions is still ignored.
We all need a reboot to realize it and fuck it may be a while, but start it now. Because even for those who have filled that gap with a second person to their being, what about those who well had you covered before? Drifting...
Fade in, Fade out, Fade in, Fade out....

Fuuuuccckkk Candy Mountain.

So if this is what is supposed to be candy mountain of the better locations for me, then well fuck. I can not express how much I deeply hate small cities or any varieties of that thing. I am so deeply rooted in the belief now that I either need to move away after my year of leasing my apartment is over or just run away. Only the big kid form; with still bill payments, and moving issues, among other things. Believe it or not from personal dealings with me, but I swear to any comic powers that may be if one more brain dead fucking nit wit makes the passing comment of 'Omg dude what the fuck was that?' or 'Faggot' or as many others you can think of. I have also heard 'disgusting' which I thought was a pretty nifty level of crappy people have seemed to reach all on they're own.
And in all seriousness if I hear any of those words again I will either hit the person over the head repeatedly with a heavy object until they become a vegetable or a mental ill person; that or quite my job and hide in my room. I may not leave it ever again, I may just stay in it, and rock myself into a state of pure insanity. You think with my years of dealing with the crap I would have just learned by now to stick up for myself and say something or at least deal with it better...but no. If anything my sureness of making others pay for it becomes more valid every day. Or is it my sureness in me becoming a held up apartment lurker that needs to be hauled out in a straight jacket.
All this coupled with my own possible gender issues it all compiles into a huge heaping wad of ultra crap. The best of the best really. What I for see around the corner is who I am dying and being replaced with what society has figured I should be. Sad as that image is, it seems to be the easiest answer I can find right now...
Fox out.

ps forgot to mention how much I hate people.

Bleeding out my insanity.

My fuck is my head not in the right solar system lately, or is it? At this point its too hard for me to tell if I am right side up or ass backwards from everyone else. I honestly feel like there is a gynormous brick wall staring at me with a little sign just meant for, that says 'Fuck off! Normality is after this point. Your not allowed' well christ...I want to be in that group to ya know!Just now to the point of do I really want that -normal- or is what I've built up for myself so comfortable in sensation and thought, I can't let it go? People always ask me 'what I'm thinking?' well to be honest on a regular day? Alot of crap I shouldn't have too. I am 22 fucking years old and I am still stuck on the stigma that what ever people think about my apperance or how I handle shit will marr my life and mark me as a lepar. I swear a mental hospital would be a heaven sent some days just so I can bounce around in that bloody fucking rubber room. Too let go, and just be what ever it is I want would just top me off.
I just don't know any more....I wish I could say the days that are the worst are few and far between but with this time off that I've had, it seems there more regular. I'm scared. Deeply, honestly I am terrified of what could or will happen in due course. I doubt enough tears would be useful at this point but more of a stain on my cheeks, and a wisp of truth. I have made many friends and less enemies but more lies. Every day a new soul enters my ray of thought I feel an inch of myself burned away; and not a quick fragment of reality, no but a long lasting sting of a hidden feeling. I get a lot of 'Your such a sweety' or 'You are cute' but nothing ever sticks to me. Yes I can be all of those things, but people fail too realize that I truly watch, listen, and observe. Yes, on any day of the week I can be your best bf or gf and never let you down and always offer my shoulder if you need it; but for me?I can only claim my mother, my Ann's and that is it. Those two people right now in my life have so much respect from me that I would be crushed if I ever hurt them. In a crisis or just in a wicked bad mood these wonderful women can make me smile or look at my situation in a whole new light. I can call on others that are my bf's but their life seems to have changed them, from what I knew, too what I do not. And to anyone who is out in internet land that reads my blog and can figure out what this is about or if it is directed toward you, sorry. I do not wish to insult nor cause conflict, this is just how I see it. When will my safety become enough? And when will I fumble upon my relief? How ever clear this could be to some this only reads volumes of pain. I hope one day I'll make it out of this with my soul in realitive tact and my mind not wasted....but for now, this is all, enjoy.

Bi-Polar Expressive

Up down, around the bend, around this and above that explanations used and given at random with no thought or process. Hiding beneath all the lies they can't stand what they say nor do, actions speaking louder then their words.

Deep bleeding wounds with bile for blood pouring forth, they can't help it but its true who they where or have been is gone. Keeping inwardly bound by their own pain and brutality of passion they walk through crowds melding into the back ground instead of standing out.

Barely able too control and contort to whim their fancies each would they gather as the inner being turns into a shriveled pile. How can they beat this illness? Screaming outwardly at the world while resonating his own pain in his skull he battles through it day to day.

Cooled by his own torments his passion, zest leave him readily day by day. Realizing his own demise his tar stained tears streak his face at night; all poison keeping him at bay from his own truth. Give up. Let it control and use like a dulled weapon. Let the passion escape. Let your life fade away. Maybe it'd be best, but how is one to know when they can't seem to let go?

Vocalization is powerless again such a burden. The only help found is the weak ones laced in between strong words, pass by our lips as a placebo in hopes it confuses us.

Stained Heart strings

Paced heart, quickened breath, pulse slow, hair messed, make up smeared...stained heart strings. Lips soft, grip tight, body's pressed, eyes alight, can this be real? Passions shared, moments captured, can this veil finally be lifted? Cooled touch turned warm, pure heart bleeding stained, will these strings be held careful or will they be broken. Secrets told and pasts revealed, fears shared and dreams meshed; could this be? Will my stained heart strings finally be free? Or will they remain hidden beneath the veil that keeps them pure and corrupt?

Laced hands while passion runs wild can his frozen insides be thawed? Is his will strong too be molded with out to much given...Stained hope and dreams holding hard to what is known can his hopes be let go?

Controversial Sight

For I see is what I fear. What I taste is my downfall. My language is my fault, and my heart is my skin. Outwardly cold, while introvert ably warm; can this be? Swimming in a see of darkness with arms flailing, am I set to succeed or to spectacularly fail.

Desires burning bright, kindling burnt with spirit still lost. Can ones fire still burn brightest above all with out proper fuel? Reaching with toes and finger tips can we hope that we reach it? Or do we regretfully inform our inner child it is lost for good.

Fishing at sea with compass and equipment at ready our boat floating, but no fish too catch? Are we heading to a place we destined to be our devastation? Now stuck with compass and not but a sea of doubt will I be able to navigate my way home? Or shall I sink for ever into the depths of my own creation?

Controversial sight. Seeing but not believing. Blind but all seeing. Can we truly believe that we see all that is out there for us, or are we just as blind as new child, denied sight. Where all holding tight as we are forced to travel in a world surrounded by controversial sight.

Puzzle pieces missing frustrations running high, will it finally fall into place before that doomed day? Fighting the ever lingering thought he clamps his eyes shut while he places that dark place deep in his inner cave, wishing a safe journey. Do we all use our own darkness as our crutch for survival or do some of the select toss that brace away and step bravely forward?

Paced heart and breath he finally deflates in his own blindness. A whisper lingers lost in his deaf ears as he realizes whats been all along. 'Just see' is all he gets now for its been too long that hes truly saw. Now eyes crusted over with past mistakes he screams while clawing at the suffocating brutality of his own demise.

Be it not, for its to strong to over come. Could silence be the best cure? Or does one blindness for ever rule over his heart?

Controversial Sight.

Bleeding heart strings.

For once I am at a loss of words, I can't come up with one simple form of a sentence that would best describe how I am truly feeling at this point. All I can say is after this I am not sure if I'll ever be able to remain the same me, or change so much that its hard to recognize myself. Some how sadness how this strange way of working its magic and turning everything into a big stinking pile of crap...for once I'd like something sad to happen that allows for a positive outcome to shine through.

Fuck!

Jesus fucking christ. I have been doing well with feeling shitty, depressed and a little with the self esteem. But god dammit if this just brings in a whole fuck load of crazy messed up crap. Like how is one person supposed to deal with something like this, who is working around the clock, barely making ends meat as it is.
Its not like its an easy task to wake up one day and find a room mate or anything like that, it takes a lot of work. Including all other options I only have one full proof one that would definitely save me a lot of problems. But would I really want to cause all this stress for my family?

cranky fox out